I’m about to pour a lot out here, more than I have in a blog before. But, as Brené Brown says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”
Three days ago, I felt as if everything was crashing down upon me. I felt broken. I felt confused. I felt unworthy and unloved. My boyfriend picked me up from a bus I had rode back from NYC and when he dropped me off at my apartment he broke up with me. He knew how much I loved him and was willing to love him knowing his darkest thoughts and imperfections. But, he stated, “I don’t love you and I’m unhappy” Now that is not something that is easy to hear. I felt a blade go through my heart as I cried up to God, “Why?! Why me, why can’t I be loved?! What more do I need to do to be loved?” I thought, “Am I not loving enough?” “Is my anxiety too much for people to handle?” “What is wrong with me?” “Why can’t I make him happy? Am I terrible person?”
After, some prayer, talking more with him, talking with friends, I suddenly felt this overwhelming sense of trust come over me. I began to realize, that this wasn’t me. Nothing is wrong with me. I showed this man more love than I have ever showed anyone. I loved more deeply than ever before. That is why it hurt so much, I was so vulnerable and sacrificial in my love towards him. I came to realize, I should be proud of that! I should be proud of my heart, I should know that, I am very much imperfect but I still have amazing love and light to give.
Parts of me are just wanting to yell at God to rewind to the man who I thought loved me to the man who sacrificed his time (and a parking ticket) to watch me run my first marathon the weekend before, to the man whose hugs always made me feel secure and jokes always made me laugh. Then, the other part of me is trusting; trusting that God wanted this to happen. God WANTED me to find something in all this pain and heartbreak. God WANTED me to show TJ love, that is why he put the flame in my heart the day I met him. I knew the day I met him that God was telling me, “Kimmy, you’re going to love this man and show him how loved by God he really is.” I was ready for the challenge. I was ready to allow God to overflow our relationship with his unfathomable love. I was ready to open my heart. I was ready to open my mind to prepare for this potential vocation to marriage.
Now, its obvious God has something else in mind. TJ wasn’t able to open his heart and love me like I loved him. I know he showed love through his actions, I saw it everyday, but his heart simply wasn’t ready. That hurts, but I shouldn’t let it make me think something is wrong with me. I am not bitter in any way towards him, I want to respect what his heart is telling him and encourage him to go after his calling! He needs this time to focus on himself, to learn to love himself more, and to deepen his spirit. I know that is what God wants for him right now. God wants TJ to grow closer towards him. I hope the past 5 months has helped lead him to that path. I never expected myself to come to this realization in 3 days. But, knowing that God wants to help TJ discover himself and the inner love within him, made me kind of happy. I have found my spirit and my faith and love for myself during a time I focused on myself. TJ deserves that too. So for now, I will heal from this heartbreak. I will pray for healing and trust, but I will also pray for TJ. I will cherish the time we have had together and the light God had brought into our relationship. The Lord may not want us together right now, maybe we will be together one day in the future, or maybe we will both meet someone new. I don’t know what the Lord has in store, but I can finally trust his plan is good.
Now, I have had a couple days to pray and discern, I have been trying really hard to listen to God’s call. He has made me an extrovert and blessed me with a big heart, that I know. When I’m not showing love and joy to others, I get really stressed. I know that is not always good, because I should find love in moments I’m all alone. But, I also know that the Lord didn’t give me this big heart to sit around and mope for months. Today, during work, I felt this sudden urge to do something good. When TJ and I were breaking up he said something to me to try to cheer me up, “I still think you’ll be Saint Kimmy of Columbus one day, it has a good ring to it.” It did make me smile through my tears at the time, but I was also thinking about it today. We are all sinners and God calls us all to be saints. I began to think about all the good works Saint Mother Teresa did. One of her quotes really stood out to me,
“Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.”
– Saint Mother Teresa
I’m ALL for serving the community and showing love to others. I got to thinking about my bus ride to/from NYC. I remember how I was so anxious on this bus of strangers. I look back and realize.. I was judging these strangers. I felt unsafe and was casting judgement. I volunteer for the suicide prevention hotline and I don’t ever give any caller judgement. I make it my goal to help them and show them hope and love. The difference between this bus and the callers.. I don’t see the callers’ faces. I was actually thinking about this the whole bus ride. “Why am I being so judgemental? Why am I thinking the people on this bus are dangerous and evil? Would Jesus feel this way? No, he would show them love.” Christ is in every single person that was on that bus, but I wasn’t seeing that. I began to think of ways I can start to give love to those in need and to open my eyes to those I don’t normally see Christ in. Suddenly, I heard God saying,
“You should bake cookies to give to the homeless and sit down and talk to them. Show them love. Find Christ in them.”
After this moment I actually texted a friend, “I have a weird calling on my heart to do something, but feel it might be dangerous lol. I’m going to pray about it at mass tonight, but I’ll call you later and see what you think.”
Looking at that text now, I shake my head and want to yell KIMMY!! Dangerous? This is a call of God. Remember that thing called trust you said you were doing now? Oh yeah…
I go to daily mass at 5:30 pm with my friend Claudia. The priest ended with “Now go and do CHARITY….. Holy Spirt strengthen us to make Jesus know by the way we live.”
That was it. That was the icing on the cake.. or cookie.. in this case. This is what God wants me to do. I prayed about it during mass and I think I’m going to try to see what I can do with this call. I am thinking I may make a blog section about it.
Now its time for me to share this love that is overflowing inside me and find Christ in strangers and trust in God!